The Passion of the Weiss

Sometimes I rhyme slow, sometimes I rhyme quick. But most of the time, I don't rhyme.

Friday, January 27, 2006

Fridays Are For Passion...Unadulterated Passion

When Neil Young asks if you're passionate you're damn right that you better answer in the affirmative. And when Jeff Weiss asks you the same question, you better look at him and ask him how much he's smoked today. The answer of course, is nothing, being the faintly responsible employee that I am, but hopefully that will change as the hours grow closer to the Of Montreal concert that I'm attending tonight. If you don't know who Of Montreal is then you should check them out (I recommend both of their last two albums, Satanic Panic in the Attic and The Sunlandic Twins), they pass all of the Passion of the Weiss criteria (what these are I'm unsure, but I can imagine it involves sounding good while under the mixture of vaguely hallucinogenic drugs.).

Oh yes, there will be hipsters galore this evening. That I can tell you. For I'll be at the Echo in Echo Park, a hipster mecca if there ever was, doing my best efforts towards gentrification and trying not to savagely impale any American Apparel-clad pig fuckers with my fists or pointed barbs (because nothing my friends hurts a hipsters feelings like a pointed barb...except telling him that "the man" is really not evil).

Today is also a day of mild celebration, as it's my last Friday on the job. Soon I will be reveling in the sweet sounds of unemployment, which to the untrained observer will probably include a great deal of indie rock and the clattering of keyboard typing as I try to compose the great American novel. (trust people, The Alchemy of Innocence, hitting streets in 2007, as the famed poet Juvenile might say, it will be dropped as though it were hot...very hot)

But enough with my jibber-jabber, it's time for a post of more substance, of more quality, of exuberance, of evil. And as it's friday, I bring to you a tradition more sacred than finding the Afikomen on Rosh Hoshonah and infinitely less rewarding (though if you were in my family finding the afikomen was about as lucrative as a print journalism career). I bring to you, this week's Links.

When giving a speech at Kansas State University this week, George Bush was asked if he'd seen "Brokeback Mountain." He replied (and this is a direct quote) I haven't seen it. I would be glad to talk about ranchin' but I haven't seen the movie... I've heard about it... I hope you go.. you know.. heh, heh.. I hope you go back to the ranch and the farm is what I was going to say... I hadn't seen it."
Immediately, after this bizarre comment, Karl Rove whispered in his ear. Bush then proposed a constitutional amendment to ban the film. Part of the amendment would include a provision for "Brokeback" screenings to be replaced with film reels of the Matt Leblanc film "Ed." Bush then went on to say, "I just found the movie adorable, particularly the camaraderie between the former "Friends" star and the monkey. I like monkeys. Heh Heh Heh."

A knife-wielding man dressed in a spiderman costume tried to rob a convenience store in Ontario last week, but was nabbed (yes...I too can use the word nabbed) by the store's clerk. Forget the fact that this guy was dressed in a Spiderman costume. How dumb do you have to be to rob a convenience store in Ontario? Honestly, what was he hoping to find, a package of chewing tobacco? Some old beef jerky? $12.93 in the cash register? It's Ontario for christ's sake. Those people don't even have teeth. (disclosure: some Ontario-residents have teeth...but most don't, luckily they also can't read so they prolly won't be checking this blog)

A study finds that bats that have larger genitals have smaller brains and vice versa. And for once, I'm grateful for my mind-numbing stupidity.

Rosie O' Donnell is developing a sitcom in which she will play a gay newspaper reporter who will have lost her lover to breast cancer. And while writing her weekly column, she will talk to her dead lover. Okay, so let get the math straight: lesbians+newspapers+breast cancer+talking to the dead. This is comedic gold. Why hasn't someone thought of this idea sooner? And who says there are no original ideas anymore.

The Sadamn trial has plunged into deeper disarray. But I don't buy it. That sounds nothing like the wacky and zany Iraq that I've come to know and love. Disarray? Iraq? When will these limosine liberals stop their drumbeat of negativity. Remember, pessimism never created a job or won a war.

This study says that there is no evidence that Echinea cures colds. Somewhere in a Whole Foods, an aged hippie with a ponytail and a hackysack is curled up in the fetal position screaming, "No!!!!!!!!!" Stupid hippies, will you ever learn. And by the way gingseng and goldenseal, are also bullshit. So sayeth the Passion. For all the money that you hippies spend on placebos you might actually raise enough money to elect a Democrat for President. Just a thought here, people.

Clay Aiken? Gay sex claim? The only thing about this that surprises me is how long it took for this story to break. Are you fucking kidding me? People actually thought that he was straight? If you thought Clay Aiken was straight than you probably also believe that the Black Eyed Peas hired Fergie to boost their musical capabilities, Michael Jackson had sleepovers with little boys just because, and that intelligent design is a valid theory. IE, you're a retard.

Oh and by the way, if you believe Clay Aiken is straight, you probably also believe that this isn't a blatant cover-up as well.

Black Face Jesus: The Interview When asked why he wears Black Face, BFJ responded, "Black Face Jesus is a movement of peace and love in a world filled with hate and anger. I portray Jesus as dark-skinned because that’s exactly what he was. People of that time and region were dark-skinned. " Deftly dodging the only true answer to this question: "I'm a fucking psycho hipster who was beaten up daily for six years. My father hates me. I want my mommy. Somebody hold me." Fucking hipsters.

According to this article, Paul McCartney's wife made him quit smoking weed as a prerequisite for being allowed to marry her. Dear Paul, let me give you a bit of advice. Here's what you should've said when your then-girlfriend said that. "Oh, hey Heather, are you forgetting the fact that I'm Paul Fucking MacCartney and you're some nobody with one leg. I don't care if I'm freebasing crack, you'll still marry me. Why? Because I'll be dead in 10 years and you'll be 40 years old and worth $12 trillion dollars. How does that sound to you?" And you know what, she would've said yes too.

The headline of this story reads, "Good Charlotte rockers see Future in film." Okay Good Charlotte, you're also getting some helpful hints. The only thing that anyone sees in your future is being on VH1 Where Are They Now Specials. Additionally, I see a future of Hillary Duff dumping you the moment that you're revealed to be a complete no talent-ass clown (which will occur about five minutes from now, enjoy it while it lasts, chumps!)

Ghostface Killah: the doll. The perfect Valentine's Day gift for that special someone.

Drew Barrymore wants to be a journalist. Isn't it cute when an actor likes to pretend that they have other interests. It's too bad that in order to work as a journalist, one needs to be able to read and write at above a third-grade level (except for Joel Stein). Therefore, 99.76 percent of actors are disqualified.

Check it out: it's a monkey....and he's on ice skates!!! It works on so many levels.

And I'm out like Aiken.


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At 1:51 PM, Anonymous Concerned Jew said...

You are slipping Mr. Weiss. The Afkomen is sadly not searched for on Rosh Ha-Shana, but rather on the holiday of Passover or Pesach if you will. I would expect someone of your typical beverly hills jewish backround to know that. I feel that in your attempt to badmouth all the crazy other shit that other religions do you have forgotten where you really come from: A crazy religion crazier than all the rest. The first in a line of crazy. With our candles, animal horns, wierd shawls, gold covered chocolate coins, and of course the unleavenned bread.


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