The Passion of the Weiss

Sometimes I rhyme slow, sometimes I rhyme quick. But most of the time, I don't rhyme.

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Decrees From Mt. Olympus

As we enter the year 2006, the world seems to be mired in a state of constant disarray. There’s still a genocide in Darfur, a maniacal nuclear-minded president in Iran, Iraq continues function at a level just barely above anarchy, the Palestinians elected Hamas to lead their government, and Big Momma’s House 2 grossed $28.1 million last weekend (oh don’t think that I’ve gotten over that fact).

Consequently, existence can be an exhausting marathon in which we continually question the proper way to live one’s life. When faced with such doubts, some turn to God, others turn to food, and yet others turn to the soothing balms of Tony Robbins (Set Your Goals, yo!). But after having tried every remedy under the sun to ease my worried mind, I have settled upon a new philosophy that will helpfully guide me through the tumultuous years of my mid-20s. And being the altruistic soul that I am, I’m sharing it with all the readers of this blog.

Behold, the new religion that will sweep the nation. Behold: celebrityology. A polytheistic religion, celibrityology is much the religion of the Ancient Greeks, filled with an exciting cosmology of various Gods and deities. One of the key components of this religion is that it doesn’t just tout the existence of said higher beings, but in addition it offers you the ideal political, moral, spiritual and cultural ways to live your life. Or if you’re from LA, think of it as the Kitson of organized religion, minus the velvet rope.

Of course, this avant-garde mode of thinking could not have been possible even a few years ago, when celebrities were content merely basking in their fame and obscene riches. But oh how the world has changed in the 21st century and who better play the role of vanguards of the cultural revolution than the most famous and wisest people on the planet: actors and rock stars. Tired of just being stereotyped as puppets who can do nothing other than read the lines that a talented writer has composed for them, 21st century actors have evolved into humanitarian philosophers, ones who globe-trot around the world dispensing their sacred words. I have dedicated the rest of my life to chronicling their sacred proverbs and composing a new gospel, a newer testament if you will.

And as the first and bestest apostle of celebrityology, I bring you people news from the forefront of civilization (Star Magazine, People, US, etc. and their various acolytes) so that all of us can best parse the words of our thespian saviors.

In the world o’ celebrity-ology there is no one wiser than Brad Pitt, who in the span of 1 year has transformed himself from a movie heart throb who never uttered a single comment about world affairs, into the smartest man on the planet. Some feel the need to inveigh against Pitt as just another actor trying to feed his insatiable ego with a series of vanity gestures intended to make him feel good at night, but I say that they are frauds, naysayers. If I were the late Notorious B.I.G., I would call them playa’ hatas.
Just check out this article from Playa Hata No. 1, Debbie Schlussel, who’s intending to besmirch the sacred name of Pitt. (Rise up followers of celebrityology, I feel a witch burning coming on, a witch burning with a Schlussel at the delicious center of the fire)

Apparently, according to this “so-called news article” on Schlussel’s “so-called website,” with its so-called name, “,” (I’ll stop now), Pitt along with his good buddy Jason Alexander (not Britney’s ex-husband, we’re talking George Constanza here), are supporting terrorism in the Middle East.

The evil Schlussel writes that, “Pitt and Alexander serve on the board of One Voice, a far-left group, that produced ads featuring Palestinian terrorist Sheikh Taysir Al-Tamimi, which are running on Palestinian Authority TV today. The ads urge voting in the elections between terrorist group HAMAS and terrorist group Fatah. Along with Costanza and Pitt, Tamimi is also a One Voice board member.”

The nerve of Schlussel!! Who does she think she is? Has she seen the movie “12 Monkeys?” Brad Pitt is here to save the world not destroy it. He is a national treasure and whatever he says we celebrityologists do! Why! Because he’s really really ridiculously good-looking and that’s all the credibility he needs. I mean, after all, I bet that Schlussel wasn’t cool enough to have landed acting roles in like a billion movies, not to mention guest appearances on “Growing Pains,” “Head of the Class,” AND “21 Jump St.” Dear Schlussel, you know who else did that? Brad Pitt. Fuck yeah!!

Apparently, according to Schluffelufagus:
Tamimi is also a “chief Palestinian judge and Muslim cleric, Al-Tamimi frequently appears on Palestinian Authority Television praising homicide bombers and spreading anti-Semitic conspiracy theories and fatwas.

In 1994, Al-Tamimi said, "The Jews are destined to be persecuted, humiliated, and tortured forever, and it is a Muslim duty to see to it that they reap their due. No petty arguments must be allowed to divide us. Where Hitler failed, we must succeed."

In August 2003, Al-Tamimi, a personal friend of Yasser Arafat (who appointed him Chief Islamic Judge), was arrested for inciting terrorism. Al-Tamimi's extremist sermons are well-known for urging attacks on Israel and calling upon Arab nations to wage war. In March 2000, Al-Tamimi delivered a hate speech during the Pope's visit to Jerusalem, accusing Israel of "genocide" and "strangling Jerusalem." He called on Christians to join Muslims in a jihad to oust Jews from all of Israel.

Details, details, details. Do you honestly expect a deity like Pitt to have to burden himself with such middling specifics. After all, his days are completely full between HAVING to fly on private jets, sip the finest bubbly, adopt third-world children and sleep with Angelina “Aphrodite” Jolie. How is he supposed to worry about what sorts of boards he’s a member of? I mean would you ask Zeus, I mean Bono, why he’s making it rain? You just accept it as god’s will and you move on.

And you know what, if Tamimi really is a terrorist than we must support him. When Brad Pitt tells you to jump, the only proper response is “do you want me to do it Kriss Kross-style or Van Halen-style?”

So whether or not Schlussel is telling the truth is irrelevant. What IS relevant is the sagacity of Brad Pitt’s thoughts and personal beliefs. As for myself, after doing a bit of research I’ve decided that Sclussel might be speaking the truth, which means go on and purchase your anarchist cookbook’s people, because if Pitt wants Jihad, the only thing you better be saying is “Durka Durka Durka…jihad.”

Bombs away!


At 10:21 PM, Anonymous The Hopeful Apostle said...

Weiss, I think this make-over of religion is a great idea. Why hasn't anyone thought of it before? If Western religion were run like an LA nightclub, it would get a complete overhaul every three months and once a year be wholly gutted and renamed with spiffy single word titles that invoke images of couture heels and little powder-singed baggies full of debauchery and smiles. Let's party!
Who cares if Brad Pitt and Jason Alexander are inviting nuclear holocaust and another anti-Semitic genocide! They are right -- nail bombs on busses are cool! Blowing up office buildings is hip! You are the trend messiah, bringing people together to oggle and to emulate. What kind of shoes are you wearing and where are the cool kids going to pray on a Tuesday night?!?!

At 11:47 PM, Blogger Passion of the Weiss said...

I believe the Richard Reid model of shoes will be in (complete with a lighter so you don't have to use matches when you're trying to blow up an airplane) and the cool kids will pray at an undisclosed location, Pitt hasn't yet passed along the message to his esteemed missionary, sir brent bolthouse

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