The Passion of the Weiss

Sometimes I rhyme slow, sometimes I rhyme quick. But most of the time, I don't rhyme.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Dancing With the 'Tards

Let’s play a game. It’s called imagine that you’re a state. No, not an emotional state (though I vote for depression), but rather one of the very merry states of our sacred union. Okay…now that you’re all geared up to play the game, we’ll begin.

Today, you are…West Virginia. Now in this game you get to pretend to be the official deity of the state of West Virginia and accordingly can change it any way in which you want. Ok now….go!!!! (I get to play first for it is my blog, suckas’ (appositive needed))

First, I’d immediately stop having people marry their cousins (oh, Appalachia, I’m only kidding…actually no, I’m not). Because after all West Virginians, though your cousin might be looking mighty fine after a jug of grandpappy’s moonshine, the reality is that if you have sex with her your kids might turn out to look like this picture (click here).

Second, I’d make sure that the people in my state could read, so that more “misunderstandings” wouldn’t occur where people were said to be alive when in fact they were really dead (perhaps this is tasteless, but honestly, when 20 percent of your adult population is illiterate, I’m calling out names and yes that is indeed a true statistic).

Third, I’d perhaps start a PR campaign so that elitist asshole bloggers wouldn’t continue to perpetuate hillbilly stereotypes about my state that may or may not be true. While PR campaigns are generally retarded, this might help erase the negative stigmas that abound about West Virginia. In this campaign. I would aim to publicize all the esoteric facts that I could get my grubby little paws on.

Undoubtedly, this strategy would engage the masses, after all who doesn’t love impressing people at cocktail parties. Make sure that everyone knows that the first iron furnace west of the Alleghenies was built by Peter Tarr on Kings Creek in 1794. Or perhaps the little known truth that one of the first suspension bridges in the world was completed in Wheeling in November 1849. After all, this is far better than the only fact that I currently know about West Virginia: that it is the only state in the nation with a former Klansman as a Senator, one who referred to his Klan membership as “the mistake of my youth.”

Funny, I view the mistake of my youth as accidentally mistaking pure tequila soaked in pineapple for a mixed drink, (see prom night 1999), not burning crosses on front lawns and terrorizing any person of color that I might find. Details…details…details…

Of course, there are lots of things that I wouldn’t do if I were in charge of an entire state. But if you want to know what would be at the top of my list of things not to do, it would involve not signing a three-year deal with Konami Digital Entertainment to put the Dance Dance Revolution video game, along with Xbox video consoles, into all 765 public schools in my state. Yes, that’s right, in an effort to fight obesity, the state of West Virginia is making its students ages 10-14 do Dance Dance Revolution in lieu of regular P.E. classes.

Just listen to the brain surgeon/bureaucrats of West Virginia offer reasons for this decision.

“We began to notice that children avidly play this game," says Nidia Henderson, PEIA's wellness director said. "The reality is the kids spend a tremendous amount of screen time. ... We wanted to make that screen time active time, and this is the best way to do it."

Dear Ms. Henderson, kids aged 10-14 also spend a great deal of time avidly masturbating, but I don’t see you advocating that as a great way to relieve stress.

According to the article, West Virginia is consistently among the top three states for obesity, with about a third of its residents considered obese and even more overweight, according to the state Bureau of Public Health.

I’m not sure I understand what the fuck is wrong with our society. Is it really too much to tell children to stop eating deep fried twinkies and instead play basketball or football or even fucking soccer. Have we gotten so stupid that we’re making our kids play video games in PE class? What’s next, teaching children how to box with the old Nintendo power glove. Teaching track and field with the old Nintendo Power Pad?

And honestly, what kind of retarded kid WANTS to play Dance Dance Revolution? I’d rather have a threesome with Rosie O’ Donnell and Terry Bradshaw than hopping around to the sounds of Japanese techno. (I’d also rather have a threesome with those two because Rosie O’ Donnell=erotic, but that is neither here nor there).

Having plenty of questions and few answers as to why a state would offer a video game for a PE class. I asked West Virginia officials for an interview about the behind the scene deliberations that ended up getting the video game into the public schools. But instead of commenting , they just gave me a printed transcript of the dialogue that occurred:

West Virginia Bureaucrat #1: “I saws this games at the malls the other day. And them kids was going nuts. I believe it was called Dancing Revolutionary or someth’ like dat…Dadgummit!” (did you really think I’d finish a blog like this without using the phrase dadgummit?

West Virginia Bureaucrat #2: “I heards of it too. I believe it’s one of them Oriental games?

WVB #1: “Oriental, you say? I hears them people is smart?

WVB #2: “That’s when I been hearins too? Never seen one before, but once I saw this movie called “Harold and Kumar Go to Burger King" or somethin’ like that and them Orientals in that movie were smart."

WVB #2: “Dadgummit!!”

WB1 #1: “Whee doggy!!”

WVB#1: “Think them Orientals want to let us put their game in our PE classes?”

WVB#2: “Shucks! Well if you go looking for a lump of coal and you find
your cousin instead, you better believe you should jump her bones!
(translation: I believe they may be interested in such a proposition. I’ll call our lawyers immediately to broker an equitable deal for both parties.)

And the rest is history....


At 2:09 PM, Blogger Nate said...

Please email this to Jerry West. I'm sure he's looking forward to reading more sensational tibits about his glorious state...

At 3:52 PM, Blogger Passion of the Weiss said...

Or Jason "Remember what we did to you at Pearl Harbor" Williams


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