The Passion of the Weiss

Sometimes I rhyme slow, sometimes I rhyme quick. But most of the time, I don't rhyme.

Friday, January 06, 2006

Cuz It's Friday: Throwin' My Neighborhood In the Air, As if I didn't Care

In approximately two weeks from now, I hope that my life pretty much will look like that moment in the movie, "Friday," when Chris Tucker turns to Ice Cube and goes, "It's Friday. You ain't got no job, you ain't got nothing to do. I'm gonna' get you motherfucking high." That's what I'm thinking about, that and the lyrics to the song "Friday," by Ice Cube (see the title of this post), though I'm not exactly sure how to throw my neighborhood in the air as if I didn't care. I once threw it in the air, but I'm pretty sure I cared and this other time, I'm pretty sure I was throwing my neighborhood in the air carelessly, but I threw my back out mid-way through the session (if you don't get this joke, download the song, surprisingly not bad for later years Ice Cube, but let's get real it's no "Today was a Good Day.")

But for now, I'm still having endless cubicle visions and will have to suffice by presenting you with this week's stories that managed to tickle my fancy. And as anyone who knows me can tell you, tickling my fancy is not the easiest thing in the world to do. Who am I kidding? I get endlessly thrilled looking at dogs playing poker. Don't you get it? They're dogs....and they're playing poker!!! Genius.

Here goes nothing:

Ever wonder what could possibly be lamer than Christian Rock? Well, here's the answer, Christian Hip-Hop. Sample Lyrics: "Throw your hands in the air and wave them because Jesus really cares and if you like bread and fish and all that transubstantion shit then let me hear you say oh yeah." Finally...hip hop that Condi Rice can get crunk to (she'd been waiting for a while you know.)

Pat Robertson, the crazy senile grandpa of Christianity declares that Ariel Sharon's stroke was God's vengeance for giving land to the Palestinians. That and uh... the fact that Ariel Sharon is about 757 lbs. The dude looks like a Jewish version of Andre the Fucking Giant (and if you don't know who that is then follow this link).

According to this headline from Yahoo! News: Palestinians unmoved as Sharon battles for life. Also today, Yahoo! reported that the sky is blue, water is wet and a cat's breath shockingly smells like catfood. Good work, gentleman.

People magazine reported excerpts from an interview that Nick "John Stamos of our Generation" Lachey admitted to Elle that he used to play dress-up in Jessica Simpson's shoes to spice up their marriage. Brilliant, Lachey. Why didn't you just dress up in your grandmother's old clothes and jewelry and start talking dirty to her?That would've definitely made her want to fuck.

Speaking of fucking, another teacher just got busted for having various dalliances with one of her 16-year old students. This story has no real significance other than the fact that the teacher was quite ugly and therefore snapping the Cal Ripken-esque streak of only hot teachers fucking their students. Somewhere, Mary Kay Letourneau is weeping, for all her work has gone for naught.

Fountain", a famous artwork consisting of a ceramic urinal made by French-US artist Marcel Duchamp, has been damaged while on display in Paris's Pompidou Centre by an elderly vandal armed with a hammer, the museum and police said. This could be the most awesome thing I've ever heard but why didn't he just piss in the ceramic urinal. That would've been amazing. Fucking French, they have no senses of humor.

According to this article, Gwyneth Paltrow believes that the London House she shares with Coldplay douchebag Chris Martin is haunted. Obviously...it's haunted by the ghost of John Lennon. He is trying to tell Chris Martin something very very important: "quit...now!!!"

Rhode Island legalizes medical marijuana. Suddenly, somehow an application from the bowels of Los Feliz mysteriously makes its way to the Brown University creative writing department.

In this New York Times editorial, Larry David steals the words from my mouth. Fucking Jews. They ruin everything with their good looks, unbelievable athletic ability, and humor. Well, one out three ain't bad. In baseball, that makes you a Hall of Famer.

As if the hipsters weren't bad enough, the yupsters have apparently appeared out of thin air, combining the two things I despise most: hipsters and yuppies. Just remember that when you see an article coming out in the LA Times in six months reporting that homicides in the Los Feliz/Silverlake area have risen dramatically, tell them where you heard it first.

On her latest album, the singer Pink has penned an open letter to George Bush. Now there are some things that Pink can do all right but what makes her think that she has any sort of political mind? ....still waiting for the punchline...look harder. Okay, fine. The joke is that I said that Pink can do some things all right because she can't. In fact, she has the brain of a lobotomized turnip, and to be quite honest, I'd find a lobotomized turnip sexier than Pink as well.

And I'm spent.

1 Comments:

At 10:14 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jethro,
U doin' a mighty good job on ur blog. Keep up to it. EEEEyeaa!

 

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