The Passion of the Weiss

Sometimes I rhyme slow, sometimes I rhyme quick. But most of the time, I don't rhyme.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

You Say You Want a Revolution

Iran’s new president has been in the news quite a bit since he took office in August, which is surprising since his name is Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, which last time I checked didn’t exactly roll off the tongue. Why he didn’t change his name to Mark Adams or something similarly easy to pronounce is beyond me. After all, it worked so well for young Robert Zimmerman. C’mon Mahmoud, marketing is everything, haven’t you read “How to Win Friends and Influence People.”

He obviously isn’t much on self-help books, because since taking office this summer the always wacky Mahmoud has made some bold and catchy statements claiming that the “holocaust is a myth” and that the state of “Israel needed to be wiped off the map.” Oh Mahmoud, you lovable and irascible rogue, what will you do or say next? He’s like your cranky cantankerous grandpa who will say anything for a laugh and to get attention, except that he probably possesses a full scale-nuclear arsenal which he is aching to use…Details, details.

But obviously, my boy Mahmoud has been reading the Passion of the Weiss. And though he’s always making crazy comments, like the time he called me a Zionist infidel (god he’s so hilarious), I’ve always known that if anything Mahmoud “Bad Mothafucka” Ahmadinejad seeks my advice on every ultra-conservative decision. Clearly, my rants on the atrocity that is Western popular music has really resonated with my man Mahmoud because according to this CNN article, he’s decided to ban all Western Music in the state of Iran. This decree came in with the advent of the Iranian Revolution in 1979, but has been rarely enforced in recent years. According to the article:

“Songs such as George Michael's "Careless Whisper," Eric Clapton's "Rush" and the Eagles' "Hotel California" have regularly accompanied Iranian broadcasts, as do tunes by saxophonist Kenny G.”

No wonder he’s so agitated. Look at the complete dreck that somehow passes for music in Iran. George Michael? Clapton-lite? “Hotel California,” the only question is why haven’t we done this in America. In fact, I’m voting for Mahmoud whatever the fuck his name is as a write-in-candidate in the next election for California governor. God knows he certainly couldn’t be worse than Arnold “I’ve Never Met a Man I Couldn’t Kill” Schwarzenegger or whatever flamingly liberal retard the Democrats march up to the slaughter.

But apparently, the people of Iran wouldn’t know good music or art if it went up to them and smacked them upside the head (or turban, depending on their level of religious observance), because apparently they’re up in arms about this wonderful move.

“This president speaks as if he is living in the Stone Age. This man has to understand that he can't tell the people what to listen to and what not to listen to," said Mohammed Reza Hosseinpour as he browsed through a Tehran music shop.”

Hey, Mohammed. What’s with all this talk about civil liberties and free will? If you wanted civil liberties so badly, why didn’t you just move to Beverly Hills like every other Persian I know and erect a hideously ugly faux-Grecian temple side by side to a quaint 1920s Spanish style home? Buy a fucking clue.

And then there’s Pari Mahmoudi and his well-articulated views on schmaltzy 1970s FM radio classics.

"Don't take this man (Ahmadinejad) seriously," said Pari Mahmoudi, a teen driving in the capital, as the Eagles' "Hotel California" blared from the car speakers.

Oh, Pari Mahmoudi, you wild little rapscallion, you and your Eagles. I remember your Emerson, Lake and Palmer phase like it was yesterday.

So if you’re keeping a scorecard of these developments (which I assume you are) it breaks down like this: Iranian People + No Music=No Likey. Jeff Weiss+ Mahmoud Ahmadinejad + No Music= Bad Mothafucka!
My next plea for our dear leader is to wield influence among the musical preferences of the members of the vast Persian diaspora. Can we get some kind of moratorium on Persian guys in BMW’s bumping Euro-trash techno songs at full volume through Beverly Hills and West Hollywood? C’mon Mahmoud, show me how powerful you really are. Be a man. Outlaw “Zombie Nation,” and you will have a legacy that can extend throughout history, time and space.

4 Comments:

At 5:21 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

it breaks my little heart to think of those countless iranians who are being harshly deprived of the music of mr. kenny g....that's just too tyrannical, dont you think?

 
At 5:48 PM, Blogger Passion of the Weiss said...

Thank God for the Internet. If it weren't for Limewire, Kazaa, et. al. how would they know how one man can make a flute symphony a living statement of both heaven and hell. Kenny G really stands for Kenny Great (or gimp, if you want to be evil).

 
At 2:35 PM, Anonymous Nate said...

I sense a Passionate Jihad coming your way sir

 
At 3:36 PM, Blogger Passion of the Weiss said...

Shit, I'm fucking going to move to Tehren. At least I won't have to listen to the Pussycat Dolls every time I go out to a nightclub.

 

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