The Passion of the Weiss

Sometimes I rhyme slow, sometimes I rhyme quick. But most of the time, I don't rhyme.

Monday, December 05, 2005

The Truth About Mr. and Mrs. Smith

It has been a busy time for the impoverished nation of Pakistan. Approximately two months ago, an earthquake savagely rocked the country, causing inordinate amounts of pain,suffering and death to an already indigent people. Luckily, we in America have something that the Pakistanis so desparately lack: celebrities. America might be losing its cutting edge when it comes to manufacturing, the sciences and other such "useful" things, but thank god we can still produce celebrities like there was no tomorrow.

In particular, two celebrities of ours shine brighter than all the rest. Like white-hot supernovas exploding across a galaxy of hot air and vapidity, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt have attained massive amounts of celebrity, mainly because they are "really, really ridiculously good-looking." At least, that's what most people think. I on the other hand know more than the average plebian. Last week, the press reported the news of Pitt and Jolie's trip to Pakistan,where the dynamic duo toured the earthquake ravaged nation and met with Pakistani president/dictator/genial chum Pervez Musharraf. Now, at first I thought nothing of this news, other than asking myself, "Uh...why the fuck is the president of Pakistan wasting his time meeting with two rather untalented Hollywood actors," but then, later this weekend, I realized how wrong and misguided I truly was.

On Saturday, I began to see the light when I saw a report from Pakistan announcing that the Pakistani military had killed a prominent Al-Queda military chief in a rocket attack in a tribal region of Pakistan close to the Afghan border. Who made the announcement, you ask? Well, none other than Pervez Musharraf. When I saw this, the rusted wheels in my head began spinning. Could it be? Could Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have been the top-secret CIA agents who brought this evil Al-Queda operative down? The picture was growing murkier by the second.

Then like a bolt of lightning, everything suddenly became illuminated when I rented a movie on Sunday night. Apparently, this so-called "movie," called Mr. and Mrs. Smith, details the life of two CIA agents who travel the world and live a life full of espionage and miscellaneous intrigue. The stars of the film: a couple of "thespians" named Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.

Suddenly, I knew everything there was to know...and more. The truth is that we Americans have been duped for much too long. Mr. and Mrs. Smith was much too creative to have been the work of a mere writer. Haven't you ever heard the expression, the truth is stranger than fiction. Mr. and Mrs. Smith is pure documentary if there ever was. A picture chronicling the strange lives of two of America's most bold and succesful CIA spooks. The reality is bone-chilling. They never went to Pakistan to do humanitarian work, they went to bring down the terrorist infrastructure as we know it. These people are not merely glamorous entertainers, they are saviors. The world is eminently safer thanks to this glamorous couple. All I am left to wonder now is who will the team of Pitt/Jolie bring down next? And where? When? There are too many questions left for this poor writer to ponder. Life can be so confusing sometimes.


At 1:09 AM, Blogger Ty said...

You should know the intimate details of their life. After all, you raided their fucking kid's birthday party. Psycho.

At 12:31 PM, Blogger Passion of the Weiss said...

Damn right, but please Ty, this is a different story for a different time. If anyone wants to know those savory details of my life they're just going to have to wait for me to write Waiting For Britney Spears. Christ, Can a man have some mystique?...No...actually he can't. Touche, my friend. Touche


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