The Passion of the Weiss

Sometimes I rhyme slow, sometimes I rhyme quick. But most of the time, I don't rhyme.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Showing His O' Face

I’m not sure how you feel about Bill O’ Reilly. Some people view him as a straight-shooting, no-nonsense independent willing to blast anyone he feels is in the wrong. Others view him as a licentious hypocrite who has an out-of-control ego that needs to be silenced. But no matter how you view O’ Reilly, one must acknowledge that this past year and change has been a trying time for him. After all, it’s not that often when you get slapped with a multi-million dollar sexual harassment lawsuit, particularly one that involved some of the most lewd talk I’ve heard since I rented that awful Spike Lee film, “Girl 6,” (Look I was 13 years old…and drunk…yes, that’s it, I was very very drunk).

But most of all, O’ Reilly is a human being, one with his own frailties and vulnerabilities. Frailties and vulnerabilities that aren’t often shown when he’s labeling MSNC and the New Yorker insidious publications, railing against the various evils of the Democratic party or singling out rappers as leading to the downfall of society (well, maybe he’s not so far off on that one). However, like any human being subject to the caprices of this roller-coaster existence, O’ Reilly turns to music to quell the furious beast inside his soul. But what kind of music does O’ Reilly turn to? John Phillips Sousa for a rousing and patriotic march? Wagner’s “March of the Valkyries,” when he’s getting all pumped up and bloodthirsty? Or perhaps, Rafii to appease the inner child within?

Oh no, none of these things work for the King of Fair and Balanced. Why? Because Bill O’ Reilly is one smooth motherfucker, a fact that I realized when I was recently perusing the “Bill’s Favorites” section of his website.
So what does Bill listen to when he wants to bring the ruckus? Well, I’ll give you a hint, it’s gots to be funky.

According to one of Bill’s favorite musicians is the late Luther Vandross, who O’ Reilly recommends for his brand of “smooth, adult R&B.” One of his favorite tracks is "Here and Now," “which broke Vandross through to the pop Top Ten long after most people had given up hope that he'd ever cross over.”

And suddenly, the image of O’Reilly, wearing flannel pajamas and a glass of Courvoisier is suddenly way too prevalent in my mind. I can just picture him, the embodiment of the art of seduction, whispering sweet nothings into a nubile young thing’s ear (he likes ‘em nubile), Luther on the Hi-Fi, incense burning, the atmosphere ripe for lovemaking. Oh, yeah, smooth….O’ Reilly…smooth.

Bill is also a fan of Earth, Wind & Tower, digging “their Groovy 70s Funk.” He recommends their Best Of album because “the singles gathered here constitute some of the richest, most sophisticated music the funk movement ever produced; when the absolute cream of the group's catalog is heard in such a concentrated fashion, the effect is dazzling.”

If nothing else, Bill O’ Reilly likes things that are “groovy.” Like impeachment and war. And the ladies….

Oh, but that’s not all O’ Reilly puts on when he wants to give a pretty lady a personal tour of his no spin zone, as he also relies on mediocre 70s San Francisco-based (the horror!!) funk band Tower of Power.

According to his site, you should purchase “The Very Best of Tower of Power: The Warner Years,” for tracks like "What Is Hip?" as well as “several other smaller hits that captured their sleek, stylized soul-funk quite well, such as "Soul Vaccination."

What is Hip? A good question to ask, and one that has been hanging over me like an albatross for years. What is Hip? Who is Hip? How can I be hip? And now I know the truth. There is only one man I know that’s hip….No, no silly readers, not Bill O’ Reilly. He sucks. Who listens to Tower of Power anyway? No, obviously the only man I know that’s hip is Wilmer Valderrama, haven’t you been to the Geisha House? He’s fucking dreamy and so so hip.


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