The Passion of the Weiss

Sometimes I rhyme slow, sometimes I rhyme quick. But most of the time, I don't rhyme.

Friday, December 02, 2005

More Than Retarded

If anything, I try to use this blog as a forum to dispense unsolicited advice to those in dire need. More often than not, my vaguely sagacious gems of knowledge are often aimed towards celebrities, for I find this particular class of people lacking in qualified and objective wise men to turn to for tips on life (save for their agents, lawyers, managers, personal trainers, chefs and posses.) But I'm nothing if not inclusive in my venom and it has come to my attention that the "scenesters" of Los Angeles also need my help. Being in the blogging game solely for the love and the opportunity to "make a difference," I shall do my part to oblige. Accordingly, in an effort to raise their collective consciousness, I have composed a letter for them.

Dear Scenesters of the city of Los Angeles,
I know that reading is difficult. I myself didn't conquer the Sisphyean task until about three weeks ago. However, I must admit that in some of the more bored moments of my work-a-day existence, I've been examining some of your profiles on Myspace and feel obligated to point out a glaring fact. If you have Less Than Zero on your list of favorite books and your comments page is littered with comments that include the phrase, "Dude, I totally had fun partying/skiing the Hollywood Alpine Slopes last weekend," and your social life consists of getting fucked up at holy triumvirate of LAX, the Hollywood Roosevelt (Teddy's duh...the Trop is so so out these days) and Privilege, then you're a fucking moron.

First off, I'll cut you guys some slack. It IS very very impressive that you guys have read books without pictures. I'll never forget the first time I did that. It was a brilliant novel called US Weekly, (wait a second, that may not have been a novel...never mind) but even that magnum opus contained pictures. Now I'll admit that I'm not capable of tackling such a hefty literary tome as Brett Easton Ellis' love letter to debauchery. However, if I had read it, I'd be smart enough to know that the whole book is dedicated to making fun of and condemning jerk-offs like you. In a way, the book managizes to glamorize the ennui and glitz and glamor of Los Angeles cokehead vapidity during the 1980s. However, if you have a quarter of a brain and are capable of reading between the lines, you'd realize that the book depicts these people as generally soulless, completely lacking in emotion or ambition, and generally boring and without anything to say. I'm well aware that these things hit home with you guys and you might even regard them as backhanded compliments, but honestly, buy a fucking clue. You guys ARE the joke. Being able to get into a "cool" club, doesn't make you cool, it means that either you've dedicated your entire life to attaining that holy grail, or you're a hot girl. Period. And to say that Less Than Zero is your favorite book identifies you as shallow, self-serving and quite possibly slightly brain damaged. So the next time you're trying to to impress the girls on your Myspace page with your literary side, don't pick Less Than Zero and don't pick Bright Lights, Big City either. They are completely cliched and make you look even more hollow than you probably are. Here's a list of recommended books to choose instead (tailored to the average scenesters 7th grade reading level, when doing "dorky" stuff like reading became totally totally uncool):

1) The Cat in The Hat: It shows that you are rebellious and don't like to follow the rules, and haven't you heard man, whenever he wrote, Dr. Suess was like completely high, man. I heard he wrote Green Eggs and Ham after blowing eight lines and taking several buttons of peyote.

2) Where the Wild Things Are: Shows that you're like totally a wild thing. Get it. You're wild. You like to party. Girls like bad boys. Are you a bad boy? Damn right you are, you've gotten bottles at Cabana Club...twice!

3) Catcher in the Rye: I just heard about this book and apparently it's pretty good. Supposedly some weird kid named Holden is like totally insane. I'm not sure if I'm into that sort of thing, but nonetheless, girls like complex, difficult men and perhaps they'll think that you're complex and difficult via your totally awesome Myspace page. It's worth a shot.

4) Anything by Michael Moore: I've heard that a lot of girls are politically liberal. Impress them with your love of liberal politics and maybe you'll get to impress them between the sheets. Forget the fact that you probably don't agree with Michael Moore. You'll be able to present yourself as a bold thinker and a contrarian who feels effortlessly comfortable in a salon talking politics or in a bathroom stall with two other dudes trying to cut lines from some girls mirror that you borrowed. Remember, girls like versatility.

5) Thus Spoke Zarathustra by Nietszche: I know this might be a tad unbelievable, considering you might actually get called on this one. But I recommend also picking up a copy of The Simpsons' Guide to Philosophy. There's a chapter in there called "Thus Spake Bart," and it pretty much crystallizes Nietszchean philosophy in 15 pages. Read it and the next time you're telling some girl you met that night about your childhood at 4:00 a.m. high up in the hills at some mansion owned by some dude you've met one time, you can drop in a reference to good old Frederick. You will immediately assume intellectual credibility in the girls eyes and she'll be hopeless to your masculine wiles. After name-dropping Nietszche, now is the time to slip her the GHB. Be bold, gentlemen. Be bold. Go for it! Nietszche would've done it.

Good luck guys and get to work on that Myspace page immediately, your next victim/conquest could be reading it right now as we speak.
Sincerely,
Joseph T. Self-Righteous Esq.

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