The Passion of the Weiss

Sometimes I rhyme slow, sometimes I rhyme quick. But most of the time, I don't rhyme.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Jesus Fucking Christ!

Dedicated readers of the Passion of the Weiss blog (all three of you) are well-aware of my visceral loathing of hipsters. These gentrifying swine clot in fashionable/bohemian neighborhoods in major metropolitan areas (Los Feliz, Silverlake, Williamsburg and Park Slope, NYC) and generally work as either “freelance” graphic designers or don’t work at all. All this scourge of humanity seems to be good at it is complaining about the US government and smoking cigarettes while listening to Sigur Ros albums (note: I also like Sigur Ros and have many hipstery tendencies).

Perhaps my chief gripe with the hipsters is that they’re so close to being right, yet so so far away. In general, they like good music, eschew typical meathead conformity and essentially have their heads in the right place. But regardless of how good their taste in music is, they all completely suck because they haven’t yet realized that high school is over. Most hipsters were complete losers throughout their adolescence and have dedicated their 20s proving their coolness and razor-sharp sense of irony by only listening to the most esoteric music possible, dressing in only American Apparel, and being so fucking non-conformist that they actually have somehow conformed to their own stereotype (newsflash hipsters: if you dress like every other hipster you aren’t an individual, you’re a conformist…the horror!)

But now a messiah has emerged among the hipsters from the hipster epicenter, NYC, to usher the unwashed unshaven masses into the promised land. The website Gawker.com has been following the saga of one: Blackfaced Jesus, a completely retarded hipster that has been parading throughout the city dressed only in a diaper, an American flag, a crown of thorns and blackface. The so-called Blackfaced Jesus goes to all the hipster clubs and generally tries to fulfill his own paltry ego by garnering attention by his absurd garb and miscellaneous antics.

Unsurprisingly, like all “really cool” people in the 21st Century, BFJ has a Myspace page, because when the messiah arrives obviously the best way to convert the flock is through an inane social networking site. (Hail Myspace!! Hail Blackface Jesus!!)

So please, for love of God (pun intended) please check out BFJ’s page where this hipster savior instructs us heathens how to behave (and yes, he does have a Myspace Blog, if you were wondering). Here is one of his “poems,” entitled “Keep Warm.” (where is Pontius Pilate when you need him?)

keep warm

as sure as the sun sets in the west

with every moment comes a life and a death..

we are all in people

all one world.

every boy and every girl

we should all be free

all be one

every person being warmed by the sun...


Hey Black Face Jesus, John Lennon called, he wrote that song 35 years ago and he wants it back. In fact, every song John Lennon ever wrote post-Abbey Road has those same exact lyrics. Are you brain damaged?

But clearly, BFJ is brain damaged or completely dyslexic because this is the best he could do to describe himself.

“I make up the leg of the body of christ crew...we are a movement,we our the last real hope this world has left..”

“We our the last hope?” I have the grammar ability of a mentally retarded seal and still, I know the difference between “our” and “are.” That’s the truth about these hippies. They just aren’t that smart and all they want is for the cool kids to like them and to not get thrown into a trash can on the elementary school playground. I might not have always been the most popular guy alive, but at least I know that if me and Black Face Jesus had met up in the 6th Grade, I would’ve savagely thrashed him in front of the entire collected assembly of Beverly Vista Elementary School (in Fred’s Alley, natch.)

Perhaps the saddest part about Black Face Jesus and his kin (who can all be seen on websites like http://www.thecobrasnake.com, or http://www.lastnightsparty.com) is that they all have mothers and fathers and I guarantee you that each one of their families had a combined income far exceeding $150,000 a year. Inevitably, next week Black Face Jesus is going to go home next week for Hanukkah or Christmas and run up to his parents and give them a huge hug and a kiss, pet his family dog Snowball and sit down and roast Chestnuts on the open fire and snuggle up with his new Radiohead CD under the fucking hearth. Then when the New Year begins, he’s going to go home to his little hipster enclave and run around like a total fucking ass-clown and totally pretend that he didn’t spend the last four days wearing turtleneck sweaters.

So hippies, congrats, you have a new fucking leader. Start marching off to Silverlake. Me, I’m going to go get my shotgun (note: I don’t even own a shotgun, but I’m rather certain that I could beat these hipsters to death with a spoon.) Start running!

9 Comments:

At 5:20 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Taken from the poetic mouth of BFJ himself "im no hipster,im just hip." This man is clearly brilliant, a true original and progressive thinker. To quote the prodigy once more, "what race am i..i a fucking human being..like every other human being..my heart beats and one day it will stop...but until that day comes im gonna try and do my part to save this world"...Apparently the common rules of punctuation do not apply to the Messiah. If he's here to "save the world"...well, I don't quite know what to say.

 
At 5:45 PM, Blogger Passion of the Weiss said...

You can prostrate yourself before your new leader. I have built a blackface jesus shrine in my bedroom...well actually by shrine, I mean a dartboard which I throw daggers at and plot the downfall of the hipster nation.

 
At 6:22 PM, Anonymous amandy snacks said...

I am elated that we our finally recognizing BFJ as the hipster messiah he is. Viva la BFJ!

 
At 6:27 PM, Blogger Passion of the Weiss said...

I am pleased that you also have converted young lady...it is imperative that all the non-believers convert to BFJ's ways or face the sword of Damocles (whatever the fuck that means)

 
At 6:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think that the world would be better of following you than BFJ. Think of the entourage that would follow you wherever you went. You would by far be the coolest man at any bar...or at least you would dilude yourself into believing such.

 
At 6:56 PM, Blogger Passion of the Weiss said...

Hey, I don't need any sort of entourage to be deluded. I have hallucinogenic drugs for that...thank you very much.

 
At 8:20 PM, Anonymous Nate said...

BFJ better hope he doesn't walk his rich, white, hipster ass infront of any disgruntled, mad at the world, negros...that's a recipe for an ass-whoopin. Black folks don't take too kindly to white men in black face...

 
At 1:55 AM, Blogger Passion of the Weiss said...

BFJ has already had the racism charge thrown up against him, check out his rebuttal--on his myspace blog (where the fuck else). Please Nate, we have an equal opportunity savior, rescuing the souls of black people and Hebrews alike. Nah..on second thought let's kick his ass with spoons.

 
At 1:19 PM, Anonymous Kelly Taylor said...

Jeff, although i thoroughly enjoyed your description of hipsters (American Apparel and all) I noticed the accidental (?) omission of their collective admiration for J.T. LeRoy. This one in particular makes me cringe. Although I'll be the first to admit that I only like boys when they're wearing converse sneakers...

I'm still searching for BFJ on my nightly jaunts around the LES.

 

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