The Passion of the Weiss

Sometimes I rhyme slow, sometimes I rhyme quick. But most of the time, I don't rhyme.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Jeff's Reasons Why Not

If you have a pulse and a set of eyes, you’ve inevitably come across the various billboards for the television show, “Emily’s Reasons Why Not,” splattered everywhere across town. And if you haven’t seen them, you definitely need to get out more, because I strive towards being an anti-social hermit and still can’t avoid seeing them every 5.2 seconds. But if you aren’t aware of these ads, this new ABC program debuts January 9, as a mid-season replacement (which generally implies that a show isn't good enough to make the fall schedule).

According to its website, “Emily's Reasons Why Not explores the world of Emily Sanders (Heather Graham), a successful career woman who has terrific instincts in every arena of her life but one -- relationships. From a manipulative ex-boyfriend to a passive-aggressive family member and a back stabbing former assistant who is clearly after her job, Emily has a lot to contend with and even more to figure out.

Determined now to make better choices, Emily employs a "Reasons Why Not" list-making system designed to serve as an internal warning on when it's time to cut bait and move on.”

At any rate, the aforementioned advertisements for the show showcase a smirking Heather Graham, as she attempts to exude an “edgy” vibe, one that seemingly tries to lure you into watching the program. And when I mean edgy, it means that she’s wearing a leather jacket and you can almost hear the soft strains of George Thorogood and the Destroyers’ “Bad to the Bone” (side note: Geroge Thorogood was neither thorough nor good…discuss.)

Being a completely judgmental and stubborn human being, I’ve already decided sight unseen that the show will inevitably be one of the worst programs of the year, and so I’ve compiled a list of Jeff’s 10 Reason’s Why Not to Watch This Godawful Show,” because no one deserves to watch something this stupid.

10. In the first episode, the main character, Emily, dates an attractive co-worker named Stan. How bad must the writing be to name the “hot young stud,” Stan? Clearly, the monkeys in the writer’s room must have the IQs of jars full of applesauce. Stan is the name of a Jewish grandfather from Great Neck, Long Island. Not the name of a swinging bachelor. Stan? The last cool guy named Stan was Stan Musial, and he’s been dead for two decades (I think). Why didn’t they just name him Herb? Or perhaps Irving? Because those are the only two names that exude less of a cool guy vibe than Stan.

9. Like all shows that try to pander to the lowest common denominator, "Emily’s Reasons Why Not," has made sure to have several token minority characters. Now I see nothing wrong with diversity and think it’s a noble idea, but let’s be honest, the only time I’ve ever seen a rich WASPy White woman, a gay black man, a Jewish woman, an Asian woman, and a mixed Hispanic/black woman hanging out was on television. This sort of blatant tokenism is racist in and of itself and never seems anything less than contrived.

8. The press release for this show actually says verbatim that “Emily’s Reasons Why Not,” explores life, love and sex and the city.” Hey guys, not to burst your bubble but I’m rather sure that this show has been done before. And I didn’t like it when it starred Sarah Jessica Parker either.

7. Oh and by the way, I also didn’t like this show when it was a movie, entitled “Bridget Jones’ Diary.” Maybe next time, someone can have an original idea. Now there’s a fucking novel approach.

6. It airs on ABC, the network that has brought you “According to Jim,” “Freddie,” and “The George Lopez Show.” Needless to say, I’d rather be at work than watch those shows, and I’d rather hang out in downtown Baghdad screaming, “Hey, everyone, I’m an American and a Jew, can anyone give me directions,” than be at work. You make the call.

5. Note the promotional picture above. I would bet my life that this is Heather Graham’s “sexy” pose. In reality, she just looks constipated. VERY constipated.

4. The main character, Emily is billed as “quirky.” And nothing says “quirky” like Heather Graham. Well, except for every single other human being on the planet that has a brain, a set of lips and a set of teeth. Heather Graham is about as quirky as a piece of Wrigley’s Spearmint Chewing Gum.

3. “Emily’s Reasons Why Not,” not only employs token characters it also somehow manages to make them even more token. For instance, the token black person is also gay, allowing him to appeal to even more people. Additionally, he’s also into the power of yoga breathing and the occasional colonic. Furthermore, he works at a healing teashop called “Chi For Two.” Wow, I don’t think I could envision a more stereotypical role for a gay man if I tried. Apparently, they wanted to have him work at a bath house, but they didn’t think it would pass the censors. You just know the writers were sitting there in the writing room, debating the merits of this character and looking for the one adjective that could encapsulate the depth of his soul, then an epiphany sprung forth to their feeble little minds: zany!
And on top of everything, these writers probably only make six figures a year for four months of work. That’s talent for you.

2. Emily’s chief rival’s name is, Glitter. Her name is Glitter. I repeat, her name is fucking Glitter. I hate television so goddamn much it’s scary.

1. And last but not least, the show stars Heather Graham. I’ve eaten breakfast grapefruits with more ability to emote than Heather Graham. I don’t think you could find a worse actress in Hollywood than Graham. She’s the female Keanu Reeves. She almost single-handedly ruined Austin Powers 2 and the only decent role she had was a slutty roller-skating porn star. Why? Because that’s about the only role she can understand.

So kids, the moral of the story is don’t watch this show. There are many more fun and interesting things to do: collect stamps, throw pieces of fruit at senior citizens, smoke crack. In fact, anything would be more worthwhile than watching “Emily’s Reason’s Why Not.” Now if you’ll excuse me, “King of Queens” is on and I wouldn’t miss it for the world.


At 6:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Let's not forget about the other place you've seen the group of diverse individuals spending some quality time with each other--the typical college viewbooks, which all claim that their campus offers unparalleled diversity and opportunities to mingle with other races, which of course turns out to be a total lie. No one wants to hang out with white kids's a bit taboo.

At 6:42 PM, Blogger Passion of the Weiss said...

the masses have decreed: kill whitey and with that I'm still up for a ritual tar and feathering of black face Jesus too.

At 3:56 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Weaving in the Linda Richman-ation of the name George Thoroughgood is quite simply top notch. MB (and yes I am at this point far too lazy to actually sing up as a blogger, but I'll do it soon)

At 12:30 PM, Blogger Passion of the Weiss said...

Join the blogosphere Matt, then you can use asanine terms such as blogosphere. It's amazing (as sarcasm drips..)


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