The Passion of the Weiss

Sometimes I rhyme slow, sometimes I rhyme quick. But most of the time, I don't rhyme.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Eight is Enough

Suddenly and violently, I've been struck by the most grotesque episode of depression known to man. Don't chalk this up as mere melodrama. It's serious and very real and very painful. And don't try to tell me that things are going to get better because they won't. My depression has a serious root cause and it's one that can't be immediately cured. It's not a death in the family, it's not a serious illness, it's not even the cancelled marriage of golden literary couple, esteemed scribe Nicole Richie and poet/deity DJ AM. No, in many respects this overwhelming melancholy is far worse: Today, I realized that I am not in anyone's "Myspace Top 8," and I never will be.

Some of you totally uncool people might not be familiar with the awe-inspiring social networking phenomenon known as Myspace. So, being the altruistic soul that I am, I'll fill you in. On Myspace you're allowing to select a holy octet of souls known as your "Top 8." Only the most amazing and interesting people can crack the Top 8. Being the competitive person that I am, I've been trying heroically for months to be the recipient of such a glorious honor. I've bombarded my Myspace friends with subtle comments. I've sent them poems, roses, text messages. I even made sure that a couple of my "friends," woke up with dead horse's heads beside them, just so that they would get the point. But not even that foolproof scheme worked.

I don't think people realize what an esteeemed honor it is to be in someone's Top 8. Most humans just take it for granted. But I promised them that I wouldn't. I made it clear that being in someone's Top 8 was a responsiblity that I wouldn't take lightly. I guaranteed my friends that I'd quit drinking, start running, stop getting falsely arrested for bogus tresspassing charges, but did they listen to me, no!!! No one cares right now! I feel so lost. So hopelessly naive. So very scared.

I can't begin to express the waves of sorrow currently washing over me. I called in sick to work today and have been locked in my room for the past six hours, chain-smoking and listening to The Cure records over and over again. Let me tell you something, Robert Smith might have been in love on a Friday, but I'm certainly NOT in love on a Thursday. Suicide would be a viable option but I'm too depressed to even care any more. I don't even care if live or die. Albert Camus was right: suicide IS really the only philosophical debate that matters. Normally, I'd blame my Top 8 absence on Myspace's insidiousness or everyone else's stupidity, but that just isn't the truth. The truth is that I'm just not awesome enough to make anyone's Top 8.

But wait, I remember a quote from a musician that meant so much to me in the halcyon days of my youth. I will turn to him for inspiration and for salvation. Only he can get me through this black plague. Yes, that's it. I will turn to the music. I will turn to the music and my art.

"I use the music to vent, and a lot of the stuff that I am writing about or was writing about contained a lot of anger and anxiety, stress and depression, so that's how the album came out so dark."
--Vanilla Ice (this is a real quote...seriously)

I will rise from the ashes yet...oh how I will rise.


At 3:48 AM, Blogger dirk diamond said...

Jiggity wonder...ironically, just before perusing the passion of the jew blog tonight, i decided to finally alter my myspace top eight so that the mysterious 'tom' figure wasn't my best friend anymore. I found about 7 people that i really wanted to put there and then it came down to that very last spot. I figured, well, I would like to put weiss on there...i mean he is a good friend, has a blog growing in popularity, and i don't have any cartoons yet, but then i decided against it, choosing instead to put a girl i barely know to even out the guy to girl ratio. So, as you can imagine i am thrilled with my decision so as to completely and utterly validate your evening's depression.

At 1:30 PM, Blogger Passion of the Weiss said...

Diamond, how can you do this to me? First the move to Miami, then the complete freeze out in the Top 8. Is the ratio as important as one poor man's sanity. I think not. Why must you torture me so...Why?

At 9:44 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You should take heart, though you may not be in someone's myspace top eight, when I googled "myspace top eight" in an attempt to find a site that would allow me to expand it to more, I found "A place where a slightly deranged young man can take precision sniper shots at a bloated and decadent society" and it was immediately put into my favorites list...

At 7:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Also... it is not always an honor to be in a top eight... such is the tragic beauty of Myspace... Relationships that never should have been, or should have ended... or never were... are carried on like the undead zombie relics of so many B movies...


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