The Passion of the Weiss

Sometimes I rhyme slow, sometimes I rhyme quick. But most of the time, I don't rhyme.

Monday, November 07, 2005

Revolution No. 9

In what I hope to be a recurring feature here on Passion of the Weiss, I would like to do my part to help the male species better understand women. Be forewarned, I have no actual idea what I'm talking about. I don't fancy myself any sort of expert on the gender. In fact, I'm pretty sure that I know absolutely nothing. That being said, who better than to discuss the topic than me? (note: for the sake of feeding my own oversized ego, please don't suggest undoubtedly better people to discuss women)

Today's topic concerns the number 9. As in, if a woman tells you that she's had sex with nine guys, then it's safe to say she's a complete liar. No women in the history of time has had sex with only nine guys. Now, you might be saying "c'mon Jeff. Surely somewhere in the history of time, a woman had sex with exactly nine guys." Wrong my friends. They skip from 8 to 42 in the blink of an eye. Any women with half a brain would never tell a man that she's had sex with more than nine guys. Why you ask? Simple. The psychology of double digits. For the same reason that I bought an iPod shuffle because it cost $99.99 and therefore cost me less than $100 (story not true), a women will never tell a man that she had sex with 11 guys.
Which brings me to my next bit of advice. Guys, why in god's name do you want to know how many guys a women has been with. Just do what I do and lie to yourself. Is it mentally healthy? No, of course it isn't. But is it fun? Damn right it is.
However, if you do ask and she answers you with the number nine, here's what to do: Run. Run fast. Run like the wind. Run like Carl Lewis sprinting to a gay West Hollywood pub. Because a girl telling you she's had sex with nine guys is like seeing a solitary cockroach in your kitchen. Inevitably, there are dozens more lurking behind the walls.
So now women, the onus is on you to be more creative. I can't blame you for not telling the truth, but let's think of something a bit more innovative. How about the number seven. You know, seven. Lucky seven. 7-11. 7. It's perfect AND it's lower than nine. Can't beat that.

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